ode to lovely

dick, you made my day

I've been getting into work at 8am even though my official start time is 8:30.

I like to use those extra 30 minutes for ME time. Time to read emails, check blogs, read the newspaper, etc. But unfortunately, everyone around the office starts bothering me at 8:05. And seriously, even if I started at 8am, people need to learn that nobody likes to arrive at their desk to be bothered 5 minutes later. Making copies, or setting up your meeting can wait! Ugh, being the office bitch is the absolute worse. 

Today, instead of coming to the office, I decided to get breakfast at Corner Bakery. I was starving and needed my ME time in peace, far far away from the nagging colleagues.

As I was sitting there, I suddenly heard somebody say: "what is a pretty young lady like you doing sitting all alone in the corner?"

I looked up and in front of me stood an adorable old man.

We started chatting and we didn't stop. He was from California. His wife was here for business. He loved DC's E street cinema. He was a retired professor. And he was genuinely interested in my crazy life. Then, he called me smart and beautiful and said, "if I were younger, I would scoop you right up!" 

We then asked me for my email and I agreed. Mostly because he said "honey, you're going places, and I want to keep in touch with you to hear about all the wonderful places you'll go."

I nearly started crying.  I felt like for that brief moment, someone noticed me. Someone valued me. And someone saw my worth. Someone praised me for experiences and skills. Someone took 10 minutes out of their day, and made me feel like a million bucks. And so Dick, I thank you. I thank you for giving me hope that something magical is around the corner. Thank you for making my day.

plan and worry, repeat

When I was dating Matthew, he would always say that I never planned. He was quite the planner and it drove him nuts that I could live my life without really worrying about the future. In my defense, I was 23 years old when we met (shit that's young!) and how could I possibly think about tomorrow when I was so caught up on starting my first job out of college and just trying to pay off bills from my crazy semester abroad in Spain. He was right though, I never planned. And, I sure as hell never worried. Being carefree was the essence of my being back then. 

Now,  fast forward to present day, all I do is worry and plan and then freak out when I don't have a plan. My mind spins circles around so many things that a normal 31 year old thinks about. I worry about job security, my salary requirements, retirement (and how I haven't contributed to my 401K since 2008), marriage, babies, buying property, even death sometimes. 

I so wish I could go back to not giving a shit and living my life without worries. I wish I didn't have a constant need to plan - plan my life, plan my future, plan my career, plan my love life, plan my after work activities (dance, german, yoga), plan a way to avoid traffic, plan a way to escape this temp job, plan a way to get to Europe, plan vacations, plan out all that I can. It's killing me. I want to just be able to take a step back and enjoy life. But my life is far from stable at the moment. And its that urgency to get it back on track that keeps me up at night and has me freaking out over the smallest things. This isn't me. Where is that 23 year old girl who was worry free? I miss her. 

Five years ago today

Exactly 5 years ago, in 2008, I landed on the island of Taiwan. 

FIVE years! How did that happen? Where does the time go?

I can still remember getting off the plane and the feelings I felt when I looked around and saw Chinese characters everywhere. I remember feeling excited and not the least bit scared. I knew that no matter what, that I would survive. I knew there would be ups and downs, but I had no idea how many wonderful moments combined with the darkest days of my life were really ahead of me. 

My entire outlook on life is different now. My resume is full of holes but the holes are all life experiences and educational certificates and degrees that were worth every dime and every sacrifice. 

Sometimes, I think back on that 26 year old girl in 2008 and wonder where she'd be now had she never left for Taiwan. What would I be doing? Where would I be living? Would I be married to Matthew? Would I maybe even have children by now? What kind of job would I have? Would I be happy?

I'll never know the answers to my questions. All I have is the present day, and present moment and how I feel now looking back on all I've done (and not done). Yes, I think about the what if's but never for too long. Because no matter what has happened, or the crappy circumstances I currently find myself in, I will never even once regret getting on that plane to leave this country behind. It was the best experience of my life and no amount of money or job security or professional accomplishments can replace real life experience. That's my opinion of course. I'm sure there are tons of people who value their 4 bedroom home, steady income, and 2.5 kids more than a risky adventure.

I'll catch up to my peers one day. Or maybe I won't. No matter what, I hope to always find adventures around every corner. 

June Goals

I woke up this morning feeling much better than yesterday.

Yesterday, I had a mini meltdown in my car on my way to my shitty job. I woke  up at 5:45am, got on the road by 6:30, and still hit a shit ton of traffic on 395. Typical for DC, and quite minor in fact, but something that small triggered a tear fest in my car. I just feel like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I can't win these days. Frankly, it's easy to feel that way when the biggest To-Do my boss gives me is to order pizza for the Department Lunch. I had to walk 6 blocks to get the pizza (because no, they did not deliver) and walk back (with 5 pizza boxes in hand) back to my office. 

So good to see my MBA is really paying off! Sigh.

So now you know why I hate getting out of bed from Monday - Friday.

Luckily, this is just a TEMP job and I have to remind myself that the word TEMPORARY is in the name. This is not forever. And this is a means to end. I know something better is around the corner but in the meantime, it kinda feels shitty to be the office bitch. 

This morning, however, I woke up in better spirits. Perhaps it was because I knew my boss would be out all morning, but also because there was this crispness in the air that really got my brain going. I started thinking about the things I wanted to accomplish this month and this is what I came up with:

• Read one book, preferably 2.
• Yoga! I just purchased a one month at Epic Yoga
• Hold a mini conversation in German
• Study Chinese every morning before work
• Run once a week
• Dance once a week
• Go to NYC for a weekend
• Stay focused and positive, no matter what.