ode to lovely

remembering right now

listening: random cd played at Padouva Cafe
eating: nothing, just ate dumplings though
drinking: hazelnut capuccino
wearing: leggings, boots, purple dress
feeling: content, enthused, and sniffly
weather: perfect, partly sunny and pleasant
wanting: to finish my thesis on time to defend next week
needing: to work day and night and around the clock
thinking: I'm going to miss coming to coffee shops
enjoying: right now, today, the everyday moments
wondering: what will my life will be like in 1 year

Sitting in a new coffee shop today. Drinking an overpriced coffee and missing my usual hangout spot. The chairs here arne't nearly as comfortable and the lighting is not nearly as bright. As soon as I finish my capuccino, I'm walking to my usual spot. As much as I like to switch things up, today is not a good day to be testing out my productivity in new coffee shops. I am on a very very very strict deadline and the next 2 months are dependent on whether I can finish my thesis by Friday. WISH ME LUCK. Happy Tuesday!

random thoughts: monday

• will my advisor let me defend next week?
• so thankful for pumpkin pie surprises
• can't wait to go home and watch a movie
• i hope i get an ipod touch for christmas
• i want to get away next weekend
• i wonder how much longer i'll live in taiwan

saturdays are spent here

Sitting in my favorite cafe and drinking my favorite new drink: kumquat tea.

It was a rough start to my day, but once I got here, everything just felt better. Funny how something so simple, like tea and a comfy chair, can make you feel instantly good.

I can't believe that December is 3 days away. And I can't believe that 2010 will be over soon. However, a big part of me is ready to say goodbye to 2010. When it started, I had such high hopes for this year. But it was a year that kinda kicked me in the ass. It was also a year of self-discovery. I had to work so hard to find a purpose, a balance, and a direction for my life. I've endured a lot. But all the ups and downs really fucked with my head, my heart, and unfortunately my health.

Luckily, I'm getting closer to finding answers. And luckily, I found this cozy cafe, where I can write my thesis, write down my thoughts, drink my tea, and just disappear from the outside world for a while. Saturday afternoons are spent here.

to you, thanksgiving. to me, just another thursday.

I woke up at 8am. Checked my emails. Took a shower. Went to school to apply for graduation. Picked up some medicine at the hospital. Ate lunch alone. Met my former teacher to practice Chinese. Got my Mac fixed. Watched the news. And in 30 minutes, I'm gonna go have dinner at Costco. Juat another day in Taipei.

Spending American holidays aborad really sucks. I get lonely thinking about how my family is waking up right now, getting ready to make pies, and cranberry sauce, and of course turkey and I won't be there to spend this holiday with them. But, it's ok. It's  part of the expat package. Just one of many things we have to get used to.

I just wish I could have a piece of pumpkin pie. Thats what I miss the most.

lets stay positive, shall we?

Things are better lately. Not entirely, but surely getting there. I'll explain myself via lists:

Things that are better:

• I still don't have a solution to my reoccuring health problems, but after a conversation with Lourdes, I think I may have found a solution. If it works, I will be ETERNALLY grateful.
• Talking things out ALWAYS helps. I need to remember to stop holding shit in, express how I feel, and LET IT OUT. Sure, being honest has its consequences, but it's still better than suffering alone.

Things that are still crappy:

• My thesis advisor ripped me a new one earlier today. Attacked my progress, told me she doubted I would graduate, completely dissed my methodology. I wrote her an email explaining myself. She then did a TOTAL 180  and responded with "ok, fine, change ONE word and you'll be fine." WTF. I am confused, frustrated, annoyed, and angered. And she still refuses to meet me. Just wonderful.
• Tomorrow is a scary day. Getting some blood work results that could really affect my future. I can't stop worrying, so until I have answers, this will remain on my crappy list.

Things that are making me happy:

• Movie nights
• My new gray hat
• Passion fruit black tea

tips on what to do when you're feeling sad

• surround yourself with good friends
• call your mom, her advice is always the best
• dress up and wear makeup (even though your insides are sad and ugly, it helps to feel pretty on the outside)
• get hugs from people who truly love and understand you
• write down your feelings, get it all out of your system
• cry in your room, even if your neighbor can hear you
• place a warm compress on your eyes, it helps with the puffiness
• eat a good meal that leaves you content and satisfied
• go out drinking, but be warned that this may lead to more tears
• always remember that it could be a lot worse

so much for early thanks

I'm feeling beyond words frustrated today. I had a little mishap with my Mac last night. For the THIRD time, I spilled liquids on it. This time it was Coke. I dried it off as fast as I could, but the damage had been done. It still turns on, but acts really funky. The screen blinks on and off from time to time, and it turns off by itself too. I'm so angry with myself and I feel like such an idiot. I just hope it doesn't die on me completely, because then I swear I won't find a reason to live. I can't afford a new one, and I don't want to have to write my thesis on an old, wonky, incredibly slow PC. Once you go Mac, it's really hard to go back.

To add to my worries, I keep having a reoccuring health problem that is starting to cripple my life. I've seen four different Western doctors, and 1 Chinese doctor, and no one seems to know what is wrong. I've taken enough medicine to cure an entire small country of all its bacterias and even drank disgusting Chinese meds for 10 days. NOTHING helps. I broke down in a rage of tears last night and nothing could console me. It was horrible. I hate crying. I hate being pissed off. I hate that I feel broken. I hate that I can't seem find a way to fix it.

But it's Friday. So I'm going to pretend that my Mac isn't broken. And that my body isn't broken. And just focus on the fact that my thesis draft is ALMOST done. Happy Friday.

sitting in a cafe and...

listening: veronicas - untouched (thanks Manny)
eating: tomato pasta
drinking: alternating between hot tea, water, coke, and cranberry juice
wearing: leggings, gray dress, boots, scarf
feeling: overwhelmed, anxious, and tired
weather: rainy, and cloudy
wanting: to know that it will all be OK.
needing: a hug from someone who loves me
thinking: about going out this weekend
enjoying: my time alone and the city view
wondering: if I can finish my thesis draft by tomorrow

early thanks

I know Thansgiving is one week away, but I thought I'd make a prelimaray list of things I am thankful for:

• My family. Their love, emails, skype dates, phone calls, and never ending support. I am so blessed and lucky to have the family I have. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them.
• Thesis writing time. It was a rough start, but right now I'm happy with my progress. So thankful for my alone time, spent in coffee shops, drinking cappuccinos, researching, and writing page after page. I feel incredibly lucky to wake up every morning, with a schedule that I can plan for myself. No rules. No one to answer to. No classes. It's just me and me alone. Time to think. Time to evaluate. Time to worry. Time to be at peace. Time to write while thinking about the future.
• My friends. More specifically my friends here in Taiwan. I've been really sad thinking about how we're all going to go different ways soon. What am I going to do without them? How will I ever get by? They have been my constant support and my everyday lunch and dinner dates. I am really trying to take in every single minute I have with them. Tears well up in my eyes at the thought of not being close to them.
• My laptop. I would die without my Mac. Where would I do my work? Where would I watch countless episodes of HIMYM and Modern Family? Most days, it's just me and my Mac and I seriously could not live without her.
• For trying my hardest. I'm thankful that no matter what has happened to me that I've always done the best I can with it. I've never given up. I've forgiven. I've moved on. I've tried my damnest at everything here in Taiwan. From Chinese, to my relationships, to school, to friendships, and everything in between. Never before was that the case. Taiwan taught me to work hard, to strive for more, to never settle, and to live every day to the fullest. So thankful for the person I have become out here.

pensive and slighly confused.

Been super pensive lately. Mostly thinking about my future and where I want to be. I applied to an intership in China yesterday and it's really got my career juices flowing. As the end of my student life comes to a close, I keep thinking about what I should do next. Should I just go home and find a job there? Or should I continue this Asian adventure?

I think I just never pictured my life taking the direction that it did. I always knew that I'd be living abroad, but never had I imagined it would be this far from home. And of course the most unimaginable aspect is the fact that I speak Chinese now. If I go home, I'll lose it. If I stay in Asia, it means yet again living far away from my family and seeing them at most once a year. This thought is especially shitty as the holidays come around again and I know that it's going to be another Christmas without my loved ones.

Of course, the other thing weighing on my decision is my personal life. Dating in Asia since the breakup has been an interesting experience. I worry that if I stay out here much longer I might never find my suitable match. I don't want to wake up in 5 years, making great money with an awesome career, but completely solo. I also don't want to go home just to settle down either. In my ideal world, I'd have someone to do this Asian journey with me....but that's easier said than done. I want a healthy balance between a career and my personal life but lately I feel like I have to chose one or the other.

The funny thing is that when I left DC back in September I was dead set on going back there after graduation. But as of today, I'm almost certain I want to stay in Asia. There are too many good opportunities here for those who are adventurous enough to live here. So many new things to learn, connections to be made, and so many interesting people to meet. Just to give you an example, today I met Stan Shih, the founder of Acer...which is the equivalent of meeting Michael Dell back in the States. Pretty cool huh?

But just because I'm leaning towards staying here today, doesn't mean that is what will happen. I'm still slightly confused on where I should go next, but somehow I'm confident that it will all fall into place.

simple loves

• pictures with some of my favorite girls. Photo credit: Astrid

• smell of clean laundry, especially when it's still warm from the dryer
• learning chinese again with my former ICLP teachers
• painted fingernails, especially in dark shades
• my clean apartment and the smell of bleach
• business talks with my dad
• skype and how it keeps me connected to my friends
• that my thesis is about 40% done
• supportive, funny, goofy, loving, amazing parents

from 11th to 11th

I've been suffereing from some strange allergies. I wake up and my whole face starts to drain out. I sneeze every 2 seconds and I'm forced to blow my nose every 10. It's really uncomfortable and super gross. It's been going on for a while, but it's been really bad the last week. It's been crippling my mornings, and sometimes even my entire day. I can't breathe, I constantly sniffle, and I just feel super uncomfortable. Some days, allergy meds help. Some days (like today) nothing can relieve my suffering.

On a positive note, my thesis has been coming along pretty well the last few days. I have yet to meet my advisor, but right now it seems I might have my oral defense as early as December 11. I'm scared and nervous, but excited about the fact that this thesis nightmare might be over in one month's time. And then...I'll be free.

Free to sleep in. Free to do things without guilt. Free to look for work. Free to plan my next steps. I initially had plans to look for work while writing, but that proved to be too time consuming. So, once I finish I will have to start looking for answers to the daunting question of "where will I go next?" As I've said before, some days I want to go home...some days that is the LAST thing I want. But one thing at a time. Today, as I sit in a cafe, drinking some hot green tea, I will write my thesis until I can't write no more. Happy Thursday.

in the last 48 hours

And then I realized...

• I work best alone, and in silence
• I'm way too nice of a person
• My mom is the funniest person I know
• Eyeliner will help me look 100x better.
• My dad is the best dad in the entire world.
• Downloading it for free is better than paying for it
• Even though I have forgiven Matt, my parents have not.
• Stacey is one of my favorite friends in the entire world
• If I don't get my act together, I'm not going to graduate

hello lounge, we meet again

I've been sick the last 2 days and I've been using that as an excuse to not work on my thesis. I spent most of today in bed so when 8pm rolled around, I felt pretty lazy and worthless. So, I forced myself to come to one of my old hangouts: the MBA lounge. It's a great place to do some late-night work and hopefully I will find the inspiration to bang out a few pages. I've just been avoiding this place because it's filled with the 1st year students and I've been feeling SUPER anti-social and not wanting to meet any of the new kids. So unlike me, but not really looking to strike up fake conversations.

But anyway, here I am. 10:24pm. And feeling like I am just now starting my day. Here's hoping I'm still here in a few hours, with a few more pages to show my advisor. Happy Wednesday.

grateful

Today, I am happy and thankful for:

• The sun is finally out after 2 long rainy weeks
• It is a perfect fall day in Taipei
• The Stallion's first day of his first grown up job
• My education and how far it has taken me
• Brown boots, dresses, and tights
• Multi-racial families with multi-lingual children. Love.
• My learning experiences abroad and all the valuable life lessons.
• Finding peace, finding balance, finding new beginnings.

november first

Hello November first. Two months left in 2010. And hopefully the last month that I will work on my thesis.

I'm sitting in Starbucks, attempting to get to work, but finding myself surfing the net and taking Photobooth pictures instead. I'm drinking a Creme Brule macchiato that is not only creamy and delcious, but also guaranteed to give me at least two dimples on my ass. Man this shit is fatty and wonderful, but today, I definitely need this sinful pleasure. 

My thesis has been frustrating the crap out of me. My thesis advisor sucks. I can't seem to decide on a direction. And my motivation is nowhere to be found. I think the problem has been my routine and starting today I'm going to change it. If not, then I'm going to find myself bitching about my thesis one month from now and that is the LAST thing I want.

So hopefully the coffee will kick in soon and productivity will follow. Let's do this!