ode to lovely

when he said one month, i almost fainted

I went to the eye doctors yesterday to get my infection checked out. Turns out, it wasn't an infection but in fact an ulcer in my eye. As if that wasn't scary enough he then tells me that I will have to wear my glasses for, get this, AN ENTIRE MONTH. Um, whaaaat? Do you have any idea what this means?

For one month, I will be forced to look like a total dweeb. I feel like I shrink when I wear glasses. My confidence levels drop, a dress never feels as pretty, and going out in glasses just makes me feel like a frumpy, dorky loser. Needless to say, I'm bummed. But at least I can fix my eye problem and in one month's time, go back to feeling normal again.

this is my tuesday afternoon

+ sitting in a cafe called Sweetie Pie writing my thesis and surfing the net

+ waiting for the eye doctor's office to open (my infection keeps coming back)

+ eating black forest chocolate cake and drinking grapefruit green tea

+ thinking about life decisions and the lingering possibility of staying in Asia

+ wearing my uniform: jeans, flip flops, and a Target Massimo tank top

+ dreaming about going to Kenting for a few days and getting out of Taipei

+ wishing I had more time to study Chinese and missing my old days at ICLP

+ thankful that life is feeling better and the anxiety is subsiding

what are the odds?

This was us last night. Five girls and Toby. As I mentioned in my previous post, last night was Matt's birthday. So, I walk into Barcode last night, and not even 5 min later, I spot Matt about 15 feet away from me. What are the freaking odds? I don't see him out at a club for almost an entire year, but I see him out on his birthday. We talked for a while, caught up, expressed some remorse that it didn't work out between us, said some nice things to each other, and then went our separate ways. And that was that. Happy I saw him, happy he's doing well, and most importantly happy to (finally) hear him say that he's proud of me.

After talking, I ran away. LITERALLY, ran away. In high heels and all. Left all my friends behind and went to a different club. Crazy, i know. But I couldn't stand being there any longer in Matt's presence. And that, my friends, was my Saturday night. And I have this cool picture to show for it.

sabado gigante

This is me, right at this very moment. It's Saturday, and I'm enjoying a relaxing afternoon at home. I'm doing my hair (obviously) and organizing my closet and still cleaning up the mess from the fire situation on Thursday. I want to maybe take a nap and clean up the scrap mess I made during the typhoon. And lastly, I want to go out dancing tonight. I need a night out with my girls. I already have an outfit in mind and I can't wait to sport some high heels. And just for fun:

listening: the sound of the fan
eating: japanese noodles
drinking: starbucks, caramel frappucino
wearing: curlers and undies
feeling: better, but hesitant
weather: beautifully sunny and very hot
wanting: to know that it will all work out in the end
needing: to clean up the mess in my apartment
thinking: about how time heals all wounds
enjoying: the few moments of peace amist the chaos
wondering: what Matt is doing on his birthday

so this is what rock bottom feels like

I think I've been so fortunate to have the life I've had. Life was always happy and good and I had little to nothing to complain about. And then, Taiwan happened. And it was just one bad thing after another. And then last week, I swear I had hit rock bottom. I thought it couldn't get worse than how I was feeling. But then, last night happened. And I nearly burned down my house. It was the most horrifying experience to walk into your house and see a fire on the stove. I'm lucky I got there when I did, but the experience itself has just left me in shambles. It's been the icing on the shit cake, as someone told me earlier today. I just don't understand why I've had such bad luck. Why things had to end up this way for me. Why people didn't speak up when there was time to fix things, and now they're broken and beyond repair, leaving me more helpless and sad than ever before. I'm trying really hard to see the bright side of things, but right now, everything seems kinda like my kitchen: up in flames. I hope this is rock bottom because I swear I can't take another day of bad shit.

monday or thursday?

I woke up today and felt like total shit. I also thought it was Monday. Probably because yesterday was a holiday here (moon festival) and with the day off, yesterday kinda felt like Sunday. But then again, with my schedule, it really doesn't matter if its monday or if its thursday.

I've been going out way too much. For example, I went to 5 different places in one night on Tuesday night. And then I went out again last night. And I've gone out 5 nights out of the last 8. This is so not me. And its really starting to take a toll on me. I need to change this.

And lastly, what I'm thankful for:

• my mother's phone calls
• funny videos
• hiroko's happiness
• my scooter

r-a-n-d-o-m

random thoughts for today at 1:48am:

• why is taipei so small that i keep seeing the same people?
• i look like SUCH a GEEK in that last picture i posted
• thank god i looked much cuter than that picture when I went out with friends later on that day
• i can hear that my neighbor scored himself a taiwanese girl for the night
• why do I always end up crying every time I ride bus 74?
• i will never ride bus 74 again....I rather pay for a taxi than cry.
• its amazing how earrings can really change an outfit
• its also amazing how talking to someone for only 5 min can ruin your mood
• i would have died without karolina and toby this week

one week, one day

Here I am. FINALLY, sitting in the library ready to start my damn thesis. It took me one week and one day to get here (from the start of school) but I am finally here. I woke up super early, grabbed a typical Taiwanese breakfast, and got here before 9am. I'm looking extra dorky today, in my nerdy glasses, hair in a tied-up mess, and geeky cardigan (why is the library always so damn cold?).

So today begins the real Day 1 of this thesis. I'm not looking forward to the research and the writing, but if I could bang out 10 pagers overnight in college, then a 50 pager should only take me 2 months top. Here goes!

september 20th twenty ten

typhoon day part deux

Typhoon Fanapi is here and I've been stuck indoors all day. On one hand, I love it because its allowing me to do things that I haven't done in a while, like scrapbook and catch up on to-do lists. On the other hand, it's driving me crazy because it gives me too much to time to think. And of course, this means that anxiety is usually around the corner.  I've found that my anxiety is worse in the mornings when I'm waking up. The first hour is always the hardest which is never a good way to start the day. On a brighter note, my apartment is filled with cut-up pieces of paper and new pictures that I've printed on the best little printer in the world: HP Photosmart A646. Because of this little guy, I have been able to once again enjoy my dorky hobby of words + paper. I'd forgotten how therapeutic it is to write shit down and I hope that no matter how busy I get with my thesis, that I take the time to document my story.

typhoon is coming

I love typhoons. I love the sound of heavy rain. And the comfort of being home when they happen. I'm going to take advantage of my alone time today. I want to sit here, in silence, reading a book or perhaps watching an episode here and there of HIMYM. I've been so busy that I've barely had time to just sit with my own thoughts and plan out my next steps. I think I also need to get back in the pool, back to the gym, back to ballet classes, and back to yoga. I need to do things where I can be completely alone with my thoughts. So, today I feel thankful that its raining, which is allowing me to have a quiet day indoors.

4am thoughts on foreigners in taiwan

And so I will begin a series of mini-posts about foreigners in Taiwan.

Tonight, I hung out with some friends from my program that I do not hangout with on a regular basis. And all these foreigner friends could speak damn good Chinese. Not just "I can get by-chinese" but "damn that white boy sounds like he's from beijing-chinese." And I just felt so proud to be hanging out with people who came to Taiwan for the right reasons. Who actually worked their asses off to learn the language. Who make an effort to always continue improving their skills. Who ask questions and are inquisitive (I learned how to say "bra" today, ha!). And for that, I am thankful, that for a few moments today I felt proud of the foreigners I was with and I was not feeling disgusted like I have been feeling lately towards foreigners in Taiwan. 

That's all for now.. I'm exhausted. With a headache. And slightly tipsy. Goodnight.

i need to remember:

• that I am lucky to have great friends
• that it could always be worse
• that it pays to be the bigger person
• that i am a fucking strong woman
• that finally getting praise was the best feeling in the world
• that karma will catch up to those who cause harm to others
• that Taiwan made me a better and stronger person
• that I should be thankful for this experience
• that the world is my oyster and the possibilities are endless
• that pink nail polish is better than black
• that i deserve nothing but the best and that is always what I will strive for
• to always take my eye make-up off before going to bed

halfwaythroughseptember

listening: rihanna
eating: taco salad
drinking: water, always
wearing: my uniform, tank and undies
feeling: overwhelmed, anxious, impatient
weather: unbearably hot and sunny
wanting: to understand how people can act the way they do
needing: to find motivation
thinking: about karma
enjoying: being on my own and only worrying about myself
wondering: where i will take my life

good and bad

Good:

• Finally slept 6 straight hours. Thank you Taiwan Beer.
• Convincing friends to stop working and use gchat to call me.
• Karolina and our honest and heartfelt conversations last night.
• Getting things off my chest, especially long overdue apologies

Bad:

• Waking up with pink eye
• Panic attacks
• Fake conversations
• Hunger, with no appetite

to feel pretty is nearly impossible

It's only been one week since I've been home, and I already can't stand the weather here. I swear it's impossible to feel pretty here. Makeup melts off. I sweat from every pore (attractive, yes, i know). My clothes smell like pollution and sweat after a short scooter ride. And my hair just frizzes in a matter of minutes. See how my hair is already wavy? Well it was stick straight when I left the house this morning. I'm trying really hard to not complain, but I just feel like since being back I have been hit with a wave of negativity. I am trying so hard to look on the bright side of things, but for some reason Taiwan has a way of kicking me in the shins and continously knocking me down. I have no idea what I did to deserve such bad luck, but I have made a promise to myself to be happy, no matter what shit Taiwan decides to throw at me.

shoot me in the eyeball

ohhhhh please someone tell me why I can't sleep.

luckily, one of the benefits of being 12 hours ahead of DC is that while I'm not sleeping, most of my friends are awake. and can call me. and gchat with me. and write me funny emails to keep me entertained. and for some reason, as an added benefit, most of my taiwan friends also go to bed very late. so there's always someone to talk to. I can even hear my next door neighbor chatting away on MSN. I guess no one sleeps in Taiwan. :-/

anxiety, fml

OH. mY. GoD.

My anxiety has been horrible the last few days. I don't know how to make it go away. I can't stop thinking. My mind races a mile a minute. I can't go to sleep before 4am. And even if I fall asleep, I wake up 2-3 hours later with thoughts polluting my head that prohibit me from falling asleep again. I'm hungry, but I can't eat. Originally I thought it was because I didn't feel like eating Taiwanese food, but now I can most definitely attribute it to my stress and my worries. I was never like this before. I don't know how to make it stop. Oh and how I wish it would just stop. I want to feel normal again. I hate how these unnecessary thoughts consume me. I want to feel free again.

So much for only positive thoughts. I swear I'm trying.

thank you vee, thank you internet

I found this through Vee, who found it through Blinks of Life, a tumblr blog that couldn't have come into my life at a more perfect time. It is inspiring, and it speaks to me, and I almost cried from joy when I found this post because it describes the reasons behind my goodbye today. So, today, I love the internet for giving me peace of mind and a much-needed 4am pat on the back. Today, I am thankful that all my words, eloquently expressed all my exact feelings.

back in the heat

Just a quick note to say that I'm back in Taipei. It's been a hard transition to be back here, full of ups and downs, smiles, laughs, but also anger. I've already had to make some tough decisions, but I think in the end, everything will work out for the best. I know now, more than ever, that I am ready to move on from this place. Starting monday, I'm getting my act together and I hope to only post positive thoughts on my progress from now on.

Starting Monday, no more putting up with bullshit. No more excuses. Let's do this!

food coma

1. French Toast from Peacock Cafe
2. Lobster Mac and Cheese from Founding Farmers
3. Crab Eggs Benedict also from Founding Farmers

I am going to miss the FOOOOOD so much. Two brunches in one day is a little gluttunous but it was some of the BEST food I've ever had (Lauren, you would love all three of these!). I wish I had time to write more about how deliciously wonderful these three dishes were, but I leave tomorrow and my to-do list is pretty long.

I can't believe my 2 month vacation is over. Sad face.

who's going to cook for me in taiwan?

My parents threw me a family farewell dinner last night. The food was so good I almost cried, both from joy on its deliciousness and from sadness that I'll be back to the land of fried rice in 3 days. I actually woke up early this morning just to get a head start on packing. I feel like I just got here and now I'm packing up again. I thought I'd be more excited to head back, but I'm actually quite sad.