ode to lovely: its a love hate relationship

Lately, I've been thinking about how deep down inside, I've never been 100% happy in Taiwan. Its always been an uphill battle, from the minute I stepped off the plane over 2 years ago. First, obviously, with the language. Then, with the fact that Matt never wanted (and never had the time) to help me learn the language. Then, it was spending every penny I owned trying to study Chinese as quickly and efficiently as possible. Then it was trying to make career/life plans without knowing where his job was going to take us. Then, it was dealing with the fact that I didn't have health insurance. Then, of course, there were a zillion visa issues (and a lot of money spent on trying to stay in the country legally). Then, it was deciding on my plan, and Matt never being happy with my plan. Then of course, the break up and the aftermath of leaving my ex-fiance.. Then, toughing it out, and deciding to stay after everything that happened. And then other shit that I rather not mention because its too hard to talk about. I feel like I'm always working so hard, and at times, working hard at things that I don't even like. Or worse even, working hard at things that ended up in failure, or are currently failing me right now.

But, it's not all negative. I became a more responsible person out there. I learned a new language. And, an MBA is an MBA, and lets face it, it looks good on paper and makes me a marketable candidate. I don't regret moving out there, its just that I don't understand why it had to be so hard. I felt like no one held out a hand to help me and 90% of the things I accomplished came from my own merits and own struggles. Sure, I'm proud of myself. But I'm sick of the cards I've been dealt and I just want to move on. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere cause I've never felt like I do over there. And since being home, I don't feel like I belong here either. It's quite the conundrum.

And the shitty thing is, that I have to go right back there in 2 weeks. It's not that I hate it (its more like a love-hate relationship), I just wish it were a little easier. I'm great at adapting, at adjusting, at making it work. But, I'm kinda sick of being a chameleon. And I'm sick of doing it alone. I just want to find a place to call home again and someone to share the journey with. Cause lets face it, all adventures are better with good company.