When Matt and I started dating, back in May of 2005, I was just a girl. A girl, who had just spent 6 months abroad, discovering herself and realizing what its like to live on your own for the first time. I had just scored my very first grown up job, making more money that I had ever dreamed at age 23. I was just starting out. Young, fresh, vibrant, full of life, but still selfish and slightly immature.
Matt was older. He had lived on his own already. He was already on his 3rd grown up job. He was in a different place in his life. He was older. He was ready for a more grown-up relationship. We were totally different places in our lives. Of course, I see this now, and not then.
He wanted our relationship to move fast. But I still wanted to be a girl. To casually date. To enjoy my early 20s. To travel. To live in the moment. And to not worry about the future.
But he was a planner. He wanted to plan our future. Our life together. And I was too naive to see that at the time. I thought I was dating a boy. He always thought he was dating his future wife.
By the time I had grown up, and was ready to plan a future with him, I think he was tired of making me into a responsible, respectable, and strong woman. Looking back, this was his biggest contribution to my life: he made me a better person, and helped turn a girl into a woman.
At times, I still feel sad that it didn't work out for us. He had his flaws, like any man, but underneath it all, he is one of the funniest, smartest, and most honest people I have ever met. Had the Natalie of today met the Matt from May 2005, I think it could have been magical. But that's not how life works, now is it? He's changed a lot too, and I don't really like the person he has become (hence why we didn't work out).
I have no clue why I'm sharing this now. But maybe, somewhere out there, someone can relate to this. Or maybe, I just wanted to speak up and tell my story.
i think its brave to say the things you just said. it takes a long time to find sense out of the end of a relationship and have a real perspective, you are getting there fast even though you may think its taking a long time.
Posted by: maggi | June 21, 2010 at 03:00 AM
I have had these same ideas about an old relationship and what I can tell you is once I started understanding these kind of ideas my heart was "on the mend."
Posted by: Nicole Carro | June 27, 2010 at 01:50 PM
Finally you put an explanation into what happened between you and Matt...I had been wondering. You have turned into an awesome woman, Natalie - always pushing yourself to be better. Wow, if only I had your perseverance! Cathy
Posted by: Cathy | August 01, 2010 at 02:23 AM