ode to lovely

6 months

Today is the 6 month anniversary of my break-up. It's crazy to think how much has happened since then.  The months have gone by pretty quickly, although at times, painfully slow. I have learned so much about how I want to live my life from now on.  I've grown, I've matured, and I've  gained new perspective. It has also toughed me up and made me a much stronger person. I've realized my strengths, admitted my weaknesses, and finally spoke my truth. But there is not a single day that I don't think about him. Lately, I've been thinking about him more than normal and I want to pick up a phone and call him. But I know it probably wouldn't accomplish anything to speak to him after so much time has passed. I have amazing self-restraint so even though I have thoughts of calling, I know I never truly will.

I guess the hardest part about everything is realizing that my reason for being in Taiwan is gone. I came here for him, for us, for our future together and ALL of that is gone. Now all I'm left is an MBA program (that I really don't like) and an amazingly strong desire to perfect my Chinese speaking skills. But, to be honest, I am so over this Taiwan experience. I will never regret the decision to move here, even though it has been a tough 23 months, but I am ready to move on. I am ready to feel over him, over my situation, over the spite, over the resentment, and over the pain. Obviously, I now feel SO much better than I did 6 months ago, but there are still a lot of bad thoughts and emotions that I need to shed.

the purple pinstriped makes an appearance

I wore a suit today, for the first time in nearly 2 years. Its crazy to think that dressing up like this was a part of my monday-friday routine back in the days of cubicle life. I wore the suit today because I had my very first interview in Taipei today. It was nerve wrecking, and exciting, and a really great learning experience. I'm 110% sure I didn't get the job, but it was a job I didn't really want anyways. I  just did it to practice my Chinese interviewing skills, which after today, I've realized need a lot of work! I wonder if I'll ever master this crazy hard language.

april twenty four

Today I:

• Ate a delicious brunch with Jasmine
• Finished my OB midterm assignment
  
• Took my scooter out with Luis
  
• Felt so happy for FINALLY having a scooter
  
• Felt lonely for about 30 minutes
  
• Scrapbooked one page that I am in love with
• Realized how incredibly lucky I am
• Stayed home on a Saturday night

Oh and I've listed a few new pages in my "made in taiwan" album so go wandering over there if you're one of my artsy friends who are interested. Happy Saturday

dude, i fixed my scanner!

So, after deciding it was time to tackle the lingering scanner problem, I popped open a beer, downloaded an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and got to work. And low and behold...a successfully scanned scrapbook page! This one is for you Sarah, who reminded me that my old albums include way too much of my past, and not enough of my present and future.

the $10 outfit

I dressed up like a Taiwanese girl on Saturday for my friend's birthday party.  Oversized white shirt. Awesome snakeskined black leggings. Super high heels. Heavy eye makeup. Fake eyelashes. And my favorite part: glasses with no lenses! It was one of the most fun nights I've had in Taipei so far. It took me twice as long to get ready, but I think I'll definitely be rocking this kind of look more often. Oh did I mention my shirt/leggings combo only cost me $10 at a night market? I also bought a wig, but decided to not wear it at the last minute.

I can't believe its already Thursday. My weeks are just flying by. And its already LATE april? How did that happen? Oh man, before I know it, I'll be flying home for summer. Wheeee!

want want want dammit

I want:

• To to find balance in my life
• To wear dresses and skirts all summer long
• To try this hair style out.
• To say what I feel and not hide my emotions
• To feel pretty again
• To go home all summer
• To learn to trust my gut feeling
• To learn to surf
• To make more local Taiwanese friends
• To dye my hair back to its natural color
• To fall in love again
• To stop drinking soda
• To wear high heels twice a week
• To give my sister a big-ass hug
• To drive my civic with the windows down
• To paint my nails a funky shade of fun
• To have skinny, fit arms again
• To stop worrying about finding happiness
• To take more pictures of myself
• To take more road trips around Taiwan
• To be 100% ok again, the sooner the better!

3 lonely bullet points

three things, in my life, right now, ready, go:

• I am looking to move, again. Probably in a month or so. I love my apartment, but its too expensive. I pay 15,000 NT/month. Most of my classmates pay about 10,000. Moving sucks. But saving money is awesome.
• I bought a scooter a few days ago. I've wanted one since the day I stepped foot on this island. And now I finally have one! I cant wait to start scooting around town.
• I'm going to a night market to buy a wig tonight. And then, tomorrow, I'm going to buy colored contacts. This is all because on Saturday, I am going to a party with a "Taiwanese Girl" theme. I promise to post pictures. It's going to be great!

80/20

About 80% of the time, I am ok. Ok with how my life is now. Content with what I have. Happy with how far I have made it. Happy that I decided to stay in Taiwan after the break up. Satisfied with my decisions. Optimistic and trying my best to look forward. Not worrying about my future. Living in the moment. Just trying my hardest to be happy again.

But there's always about 20% of me that is not ok. The part of me that still hurts. That still feels so much resentment towards everything that has happened to me. The part of me that feels lonely and abandoned in this strange country (or "god forsaken island" as I tend to call it these days). Sometimes, as I walk around the streets of Taiwan, this sharp pain hits me and tears start uncontrollably flowing down my face. I know that its good to cry sometimes, but I hate doing it in public. It happened to me in a random tea house yesterday. And then again today as I was walking home. I hate this. I want to feel 100% fine again. I want to stop looking like the crazy lady who breaks down in the middle of nowhere. I wonder how much longer I'll have to feel this way. Ugh, I hate being a girl sometimes.

50/50 day part deux trois

Today all I did was watch a zillion episodes of How I Met Your Mother while scrapbooking. I only made two pages but it felt GREAT to be creative again. I so wish I could post them but I cant because 1. my scanner broke and 2. they're both regarding super private things. Also, I finally created a photo album on the sidebar dedicated to all the traveling I have done around the world. It's not complete, so I'll be adding to it as I clean out my hard drive and discover more pictures from the past. But until then, take a look if you're interested in my crazy travels.

the cheer me up heels

I finally wore my sexy heels on Saturday night. I bought these about a month ago because at that time I was feeling pretty down and needed a quick pick-me-up. They are surprisingly comfortable which is an added bonus. I rocked them with a black mini skirt, leggings, and a hot pink tank. The longer I live here, the more I dress like Taiwanese girls. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing...Regardless, these shoes are fabulous and I heart them. 

50/50

I can't believe it's already April. 3 months just came and went. So far 2010 has been pretty good. I've hit a few bumps, but then again, who hasn't. I'm really looking forward to the next few months, and especially summer. I just need a long break. I need time to relax, and travel, and think, and plan, and write, and regroup. And hopefully make my way home for a few weeks because man do I miss home these days.

On a different note, I spilled a glass of water on my Mac a few weeks ago. Luckily, it turned on again, but the battery is ruined (meaning: my computer ONLY turns on when the charger is plugged in). For some reason, the fear of losing all my documents and pictures put a fire under my ass to back everything up. So I'm going spend today, tucked in bed, with the tv on in the background, laptop on my lap, and just doing some admin work on my Mac. It's going to feel so good to have my life in order when I'm done. Afterward, I'm going to the nearest print shop to get photos printed so that I can spend a lazy Sunday scrapbooking. It's going to be a 50/50 lazy/productive type weekend.