About 80% of the time, I am ok. Ok with how my life is now. Content with what I have. Happy with how far I have made it. Happy that I decided to stay in Taiwan after the break up. Satisfied with my decisions. Optimistic and trying my best to look forward. Not worrying about my future. Living in the moment. Just trying my hardest to be happy again.
But there's always about 20% of me that is not ok. The part of me that still hurts. That still feels so much resentment towards everything that has happened to me. The part of me that feels lonely and abandoned in this strange country (or "god forsaken island" as I tend to call it these days). Sometimes, as I walk around the streets of Taiwan, this sharp pain hits me and tears start uncontrollably flowing down my face. I know that its good to cry sometimes, but I hate doing it in public. It happened to me in a random tea house yesterday. And then again today as I was walking home. I hate this. I want to feel 100% fine again. I want to stop looking like the crazy lady who breaks down in the middle of nowhere. I wonder how much longer I'll have to feel this way. Ugh, I hate being a girl sometimes.
it takes a long time to get over someone, even if we are happy we are no longer with them. its like part of that persons molecules are still part of ours and we shed them over time.
its a weird concept that we give ourselves to someone else, sometimes more than we even have to give. eventually that depletion takes a toll on us or we rebuild. you my dear friend are rebuilding and i am proud of you.
Posted by: maggi | April 11, 2010 at 10:10 PM
maggi you are amazing and i'm so lucky to have you in my life.
Posted by: Natalie | April 11, 2010 at 11:22 PM
i have been reading your blog....catching up on where you have been and what you have been up to and this particular post struck a cord in me. i can SO relate to every last damn word. i feel your struggle because i have been going through something very similar. but being on the outside looking in.....i can see that this particular struggle for you is making you into the woman you are meant to be. you made some hard and fierce choices that i don't think i could personally have been strong enough to make. you stayed in taiwan. you are doing it ON YOUR OWN! wow. nat. i am in awe of you. you might not feel very strong in those weak moments...but you inspired the hell out of me. all this coming from a woman who fell madly totally in love with a man who broke my heart and left me to pick up the pieces. i still don't feel ok. i still hurt. i feel like a mess. but i am doing the best i can. as are you.
Posted by: Kate O'Brien | June 02, 2010 at 04:13 AM