ode to lovely

staying busy

I went to the zoo last week.  As I was walking around with my fancy camera and 2 friends, I realized something. In the last 5 months I've done more than I did in my first 1.5 year here. Here's a list:

• Been to so many new restaurants.
• Visited new cities in Taiwan.
• Hiked by waterfalls.
• Traveled to Malaysia.
• Bike riding in Xindian.
• Lantern Festival in Pingxi.
• Tried new Taiwanese foods.
• Went ice skating.
• Attended my first concert in Taipei (Guns n Roses).
• Ran a 5K with my classmates.
• Practiced more Chinese.
• Finally went to the zoo. 
• Went to the tea houses in Maokong.
• Drove a scooter in Taipei.

Oh and did I mention that I was an extra in a Taiwanese soap opera yesterday? Yep! I'm gonna be on tv! So cool, right? I think its awesome that I've done so much. Part of the reason I've been so active was to avoid feeling lonely sine the breakup. Part of the reason is that I continuously craved more adventure in my previous life with him. But his crazy work hours prohibited my sense of spontaneity. 

Even though I've done so much these last few months as a single lady, I've also realized that life is much better when you can share it with someone. I miss being part of a couple. I miss taking care of someone, an in turn, feeling like someone is taking care of me. I miss having someone to be lazy with on Sunday nights. I miss feeling like my personal life has a purpose and a direction. I work better as a couple. I feel better when I'm part of a couple. But for now I'm just gonna take this time to focus on myself, my needs, my goals, my life. Everything else will hopefully fall into place later.

superwoman always lands on her feet

I have a new name for myself and that name is: superwoman. The other day, in the midst of doing laundry, editing some homework, preparing for Chinese class, creating lesson plans, and catching up on episodes of lost, I realized....damn, I'm superwoman. I can do it all when that is what I set out to do. And I don't care how effing vain or conceited it sounds to say this,  but I think I'm pretty awesome. I guess telling myself that I'm superwoman is the one way that keeps me trekking forward.

The other day my friend Sarah told me that another friend told her that he is amazed by how resilient I have been in the wake of such a painful breakup. He also said that he was 100% confident that no matter what life plans to throw at me that I'm one of those people that will always land on their feet. I was touched by hearing my friend's impression of me.  It feels great knowing that other people believe in me. Especially when one of my reasons for leaving Matt was that I never felt like he believed in who I was as person. Everything I set out to do was followed by 20 questions by him, mostly expressing doubt towards all my decisions. His doubt inevitably led to me doubting myself. But now that I'm on my own again, I have regained my confidence... which yet again reassures me that I have made the right choice. 

I plan to share more little stories regarding the reasons behind the breakup. It's not only therapeutic, but I think many people can relate to my stories. But I want to make clear that even though I just jokingly referred to myself as superwoman, that I made lots of mistakes in my previous relationship too.  I'll be sure to share those too. Happy Friday blogland.

so when did i become a plannner?

Matthew would be so proud to hear me say that I'm now a "planner." He always wanted me to plan.  But, as a true latina, I'm more of a "live in the moment" type of girl. But ever since I lost my original plan, all I can think about is planning the future.

My original plan was always to finish my MBA early, most likely in 1.5 years versus 2. But then a few weeks ago I decided that I would challenge myself even more. So, now I'm aiming to finish it by October 31 (which is ironically the exact day my life fell apart a few months ago). But the beauty of that date will also mean that in one year's time, I would have picked up the pieces of my broken life and made something amazing out of them. I so desperately want to move on from this Taiwan chapter of my life. Maybe it didn't go as planned, but I don't intend to let that stop me from accomplishing everything I have set out to do. Plus, I figured, if I finish an MBA degree in 1 year versus 2, then that will be my biggest selling point when I find myself interviewing for jobs again.

Now I just gotta work my ass off for the next 7 months to make this happen.

class break

I have no clue why I didn't think of this earlier, but playing with Photobooth during a class break is probably my best idea this week. And going to 711 to get an ice cream was also a killer 5:00 pick-me-up. Definitely going to do the playing-with-Photobooth-during-class thing again.

Tonight, I'm having dinner with my MBA classmates. Then heading to Roxy 99 for my 2 free drinks. I'm already dressed up (even though you can't tell in the picture cause my jacket is covering my awesome outfit) because I had to give a presentation on the Japanese company Komatsu about an hour ago. I did ok. Could have done better, but I decided to sleep in instead of practicing my presentation. Luckily, I no longer get nervous when I present. ANYWAYS. Today was a good day. I did cry earlier, but it was brief. Plus, I'm wearing heels. High heels always equal a good day.

just spit it out

There's no good way of saying what I've been meaning to say. So I'm just going to spit it out.

Matthew and I have gone our separate ways.

I made the incredibly difficult decision to say that enough was enough. I wasn't getting what I needed. I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't feeling appreciated anymore, and neither was he. So, on Halloween weekend, I broke his heart, and my own, and I just left.

No words can describe how difficult it has been for me (and I know also for him) the last few months. The road to recovery is a long and tough one. I lost my best friend. I lost all sense of security. I lost my plan. I lost direction. I lost my home. I lost the person who I was supposed to marry. And I lost my reason for being in Taiwan.

But, I pushed through and I was brave and I did everything in my power to survive this. And even though I lost so much, I have also gained so much from being on my own again. I miss him more than I even care to admit to myself, but I know it was the right decision.

So, there. I said it. Now its out there for the world to know. My truth is out. And now the plan is to just keep moving forward. And one day, I will look back on my time with him and not feel so much pain. Because even though we had some great times in our 4.5 years together, all I am left with is anger and resentment. And a lot of sadness and tears in between. But time will heal my wounds. Or so I hope.

always playing catch up

I feel like I'm always playing catch up with my life. I say I'm gonna be better about doing things on time, but I always fail at this constant goal in my life. For example, I promised myself I would stay on top of my school work this semester, yet I find myself doing everything last minute (yet again!) I also said I'd blog more. But alas, I am so busy with school that I never find the time to post a picture and say a few words. Plus, I think of amazing ideas to post about while I'm sitting in class and then I then when it comes time to blog, I forget all my crazy good ideas. I've done so much in the last few months. So much has changed. So many things (both good and bad) that have happened to me. So much I want to share. Pictures. Art projects. Home decorations. New clothes. Travel photos. New music love. MBA update. New life plans. Etc, etc.

Some of the more recent events I keep meaning to share include:

• My trip to Hong Kong
• My mom and sister's visit back in November
• My vacation in Malaysia and Philipines
• Chinese New Years in Taipei
• Lantern Festival in Pingxi

But for now, I will just say that it's been a great weekend. And for that, I am happy. :)

十分瀑布

The weekend was interesting. First, I scored a tennis racket for $7 at a random (and rather dorky) dinner party. I watched Alice and Wonderland in Imax 3D. I had an awkward run-in with an old friend. And I went hiking in ShiFen (十分) with a classmate. I was hesitant about going on the hike, only because I felt like staying home and being mopey. But, in the end, I'm so happy I was convinced to leave my house on that rainy sunday. We saw waterfalls, old bridges, big buddhas, and just enjoyed being out of the big city for few hours. I took nearly 100 photos there, but one self portrait really struck me:

Yes, its true. I've had a string of bad luck. Yes, I've been through a lot. Yes, I spent the night before the hike crying about the loss of my grandfather (and a million other things that are troubling me). But I had no idea I looked THIS bad. There is a sadness in my eyes that is undeniably there. I used to be such a carefree girl. I just gotta dig deep and find her again. I'm hopeful that she'll be back in due time.

malas noticias

my grandfather died today. my dad's dad. my papi jose. the rock of our family. and a rock he was... he survived three different kinds of cancer in the last 10+ years. he will be forever missed. his laugh. his cute smile. his wrinkly face. his adorable little hat. his 6am wake up calls.  his incredibly well-written and thoughtful letters. his stories. his books. his pep in his step. he was a great man. and i have been blessed to call him my grandpa for this long. so, goodbye grandpa. thanks for the memories and thanks your vintage typewriter that you gave me 2 weeks ago....I will forever cherish it because it was where you wrote me all those amazing birthday cards.

things i'm loving

• coke
• running
• swimming
• my nikon d80
• sleepovers
• fake eyelashes
• the weather
• dressing up
• scrapbooking
• hiking
• night markets
• blogging again

for claudia

This post is for my bestest friend Claudia, who checks my blog every single day to see if I have posted...Claudi, you are the reason I paid my typepad fees and decided to blog again.

So, if you missed my blog, no need to miss me anymore. And I am going to make a big effort to write regular posts. They will be honest, and raw, and unedited. I'm sick of hiding the truth and sugarcoating my feelings. Expect a big post soon.

Picture above is from my recent travels to Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia, which was A-MA-ZING. :)