When I was dating Matthew, he would always say that I never planned. He was quite the planner and it drove him nuts that I could live my life without really worrying about the future. In my defense, I was 23 years old when we met (shit that's young!) and how could I possibly think about tomorrow when I was so caught up on starting my first job out of college and just trying to pay off bills from my crazy semester abroad in Spain. He was right though, I never planned. And, I sure as hell never worried. Being carefree was the essence of my being back then.
Now, fast forward to present day, all I do is worry and plan and then freak out when I don't have a plan. My mind spins circles around so many things that a normal 31 year old thinks about. I worry about job security, my salary requirements, retirement (and how I haven't contributed to my 401K since 2008), marriage, babies, buying property, even death sometimes.
I so wish I could go back to not giving a shit and living my life without worries. I wish I didn't have a constant need to plan - plan my life, plan my future, plan my career, plan my love life, plan my after work activities (dance, german, yoga), plan a way to avoid traffic, plan a way to escape this temp job, plan a way to get to Europe, plan vacations, plan out all that I can. It's killing me. I want to just be able to take a step back and enjoy life. But my life is far from stable at the moment. And its that urgency to get it back on track that keeps me up at night and has me freaking out over the smallest things. This isn't me. Where is that 23 year old girl who was worry free? I miss her.